Back to Plan A∞

     Ever been reminded of a past sin? Thoughts rush back to that time and you think, if only...but we all know that nothing can change what has already taken place. Sometimes the consequences of our past behavior will exist for a lifetime. This truth can create an identity crisis if we are not careful.
     It's painful, I know. It's not an easy thing to talk about it, I know. It's scary, I know. It seems like no one else could possibly understand, I know. It seems like there is no solution, I know.
     So, why am I discussing it in my post today? Because there is something else I  know and that is that even though it may be painful, even though it's hard to talk about, even though it's scary, even though people may not understand, there IS a solution. The solution is a person and His name is Jesus Christ.
     I've heard many people say..."If you focus on forgiving yourself, then your healing will begin to take place." I have come to believe that instead of forgiving ourselves, we need to accept the forgiveness we have already been given through Christ. Do you see the tragedy in that? We punish ourselves over sin we have already repented of and for what? Christ has already paid the penalty for it! Not only that, He has given us a new identity! Romans 3:21-26 NKJ
     Grace is what it's all about! It is so hard. At least it has been for me. Think about it. When we are living in regret and shame and guilt over our sin, we are still operating under the law. We are basing our identity on who we are and what we've done instead of who He is and what He's done. That's legalism not grace.
     What if you have never accepted Christ? It's not too late. His grace is available to all who will believe, just as Romans 3:21-26 NKJ states. Your last day of bondage could be today! If you have thought up until now that there was no hope for you...here is one that will tell you there is hope and it comes in the form of a Savior, Jesus Christ. I pray that if you have never made the decision to follow Christ that today is the day!
     Salvation through Jesus Christ is God's Plan A for our lives. He loves us that much. You may think, well I'm probably working on Plan D, E, or F by now! I will say this to you and to myself: God's Plan A is available to us anytime we return to the cross. The cross does not require a back-up plan! Grace is found there. Forgiveness is given there. Mercy is found there. New beginnings and a new identity is found there.
      One last thought:  Grace could be considered risky business. By that I mean that a person could look at grace verses the law and think that may give them a license to sin Romans 6:15-19 NKJ. Our heavenly Father has poured out His grace on us all, BUT He paid a great sacrifice to do so. I pray that we never forget the price that was paid on our behalf and abuse the gift that was freely given to us.
     God knew before time began the rebellious nature of man. He knew that there would be those who would reject Him, despise Him, crucify His Son and mock His name. He was willing to do it anyway. He loves us that much.
     I think if God was willing to extend His grace to us even knowing what He knew then we can be willing to accept His grace and extend it to others. I would rather err on the side of grace if it means not missing out on an opportunity to love in the way I have been loved. Wouldn't you?
     Because of Christ we are a new creation as stated in  2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJ  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." This is my prayer and my song for us all illustrated in the song titled "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North...

     He has wiped our slates clean, Songbirds!...Back to Plan A! Psalm 51 NKJ

Songbird

Peace Be Still...

     Rest...sometimes we treat it like a four letter word, if you know what I mean. It should be so simple, right? Then why does it seem so difficult to achieve? It may come easy to some, but not for me.
     Having multiple chronic illnesses like I do would make you think that I would have a handle on this subject....not! Allowing myself to rest is still one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make.
     This week is a good example. I so wanted to write this post before now! I also wanted to accomplish more than going to the grocery store as my main activity for the week. BUT, my body was not cooperating!
     My brain does not function properly on my "bad" days either. People with Fibromyalgia deal with what is termed brain fog. I know it sounds like it's right out of a science fiction novel, but it describes what it feels like while it's happening. On "bad" days it's even worse. It is as if my brain is half asleep, therefore I am pretty useless when it comes to accomplishing anything that might have to do with cognitive thinking which can include even carrying on a conversation....just ask my husband on that one!
     You would think having conditions that make a person feel fatigued would make it easier for them to rest. Nope. My instinct is to fight it! My dilemma is that I have to fight fatigue/pain everyday, so it is difficult to distinguish when I really need to stop and rest or pay the price if I don't. Sometimes it is obvious to me, sometimes it's not. I have had to say no to a lot of things in my life just to maintain some sort of normalcy.
     When you think about it, anytime any of us chooses to rest do we not feel as if we are missing out on something or that  we are letting someone down because we are not "picking up the slack?" At least it seems that way to me. We need it though! There are people like me that need it because of physical conditions, but we all  become weary from time to time Isaiah 40:27-31 NKJ.
     The good news is that God never grows tired. Not only that but He renews us with His strength, and that's a promise! Maybe you're in the midst of a battle right now, maybe the biggest one so far in your life. Do you know that it is okay to rest in the midst of what you're going through? I speak from the perspective of someone who has been in the midst of battles and found out the hard way that it wasn't until I became weak that He became strong  2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJ.
     What I realized was that when I feel I've reached my limit either one of two things happens, either God imparts me with His strength to continue on the same course OR He alters my course. Either way it is HIM and HIS power, not mine and therefore ONLY HE can get the glory for the victory that takes place. I think this may have been what Paul was speaking of in 2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJ.
     The song by Al Denson titled Peace Be Still  became a lullaby of sorts for me twenty years ago in the midst of my marriage crisis. It ministered to me in such a powerful way at the time and it still does when I get battle weary. It is my prayer and my song for us all today...
        

         

2 Chronicles 20:17 You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.”...AMEN.


Songbird

Chitchat...

Hang in there with me, Songbirds! I may not be able to post again until early next week. I so appreciate you joining me on this journey! BTW, is there a topic you would like for me to cover next time...or perhaps elaborate on one I have already posted? I would love your feedback! Thanks again for checking in on me from time to time! Until we meet again, remember He makes all things new!...Revelation 21:1-5 NKJ.
Songbird ♥

Of Pride and Prejudice

     To be honest, I struggled as to whether I should even attempt to write this post. But after learning of the Invisible Illness Awareness Week and mulling it over, I was reminded once again, that this journey I have been on for 11+ years now is not about me. It is easy to think that it is, especially when I have a "bad" day. But then the small still voice I heard in those early days of my illness whisper to me once again that I am not alone and that there is STILL a purpose and a plan for my life.
     My journey began in January 2001. My diagnosis came in late April, 2001. Fibromyalgia. I had never heard of it. I was 42 years old at the time. My life as I knew it changed that January, sad thing is my whole family became affected. My husband often says when speaking of my illness that Fibromyalgia may not be life-threatening, but it is life-altering. My husband has been most directly affected by my illness as well as our three grown daughters and our eight grandchildren. No man is an island as they say. I try to make a conscious choice to be aware of this fact everyday.
     My struggle in the beginning was not only physical it was also spiritual. I was needing desperately to reconcile my beliefs and my circumstances and was led to John 9:1-3 NKJ.  When I read these verses I realized that I had viewed my situation legalistically. By that I mean I did not realize that deep inside of me I was thinking that I must have done something wrong (sinned if you will) and I was being taught a lesson as punishment from God. If you had asked me before I had read that Scripture if I thought that was going through my mind, I would have told you no, of course not!
     But God knows our hearts and I believe He was telling me through those three small verses that I was not being condemned, nor did I have the right to condemn anyone else for my illness. Better yet, that no one else had the right to condemn me for my illness! He allowed it and He allowed it for my good and His glory.
     John 9:1-3 also allowed my invisible illness to make visible my own pride and prejudice toward others. I cannot tell you how often I have reflected on these verses as situations have come up since I have been ill. Whether it be words or actions, omitted or committed toward me.
     The classic novel written in the early 1800's  Pride and Prejudice  by Jane Austen comes to mind. The two main characters had to come to grips with their own pride and prejudice in order to love each other. That still small voice reminds me that I too am guilty of jumping to conclusions and judging others and that I have no right to do so if I am to love them the way that Christ loves me. It is a humbling experience.
     It amazes me that the God of the universe would care enough about me to reveal Himself in such a way that I can discern His truth through all of the muck that someone with chronic illnesses goes through. He is with me and He is in control of my body, even though it seems my body is out of control. And I share just a glimpse of  my story with you in hopes that you realize that I am not unique by any means as is stated in I Corinthians 1:26-29 NKJ.
     These truths should be enough reason for all of us to have hope. He is our hope, He is the source of our joy, so we can indeed rejoice! Yes, even now in the midst of our daily struggles. This is my song and prayer for us all and it is why my blog is titled Songbird  and is offered as a source of hope no matter our circumstance.

May God bless you and fill you with His hope as you continue your journey,
♥Kay 

The Voice of Truth

Fishing trip off the coast of Florida July 2012

     Family members of ours were fishing off the coast of Florida several months ago and captured this picture of an ominous cloud before a rainstorm. BTW no family members were harmed during the making of this photo! Amazing though, isn't it? Downright creepy if you ask me! 

     I have been afraid of storms ever since I can remember. Not a good thing in Texas. I have come to deal with my fear of storms up to the level of tornadoes. I have laid in bed at night reciting the lyrics of the Casting Crowns song Praise You in this Storm reminding myself that God is who He is no matter where I am and is greater than the literal storm that was beating down on our home. I have also been known to spend time in our front bathtub holding our dog Scout reciting Scripture and praying because the threat of a tornado seemed so imminent. Me, oh my!

     Come to think of it, fear has played a big part in my life. Just like the ominous storm cloud pictured above my life has been affected by my many fears. I am sure I could bring my childhood experiences into it, but that seems counter productive at this point in my life. What seems to matter most to me now is being able to release my fears as they arise to the One who made me...fears and all.

     One thing I have learned as I attempt to release my fears to God is that He then takes my fear and replaces it with His peace. This sometimes takes much longer than I would like and multiple pleas. I never know specifically when He will appropriate it, but He never fails to do so if I persist in my reaching out to Him at such times.

     Most recently this took place just this past week when my husband and I were ending our vacation in Florida and although hurricane Isaac was no longer a threat to us in Florida, when it came inland it was stationed right in our path back home to Texas. Not only that, it was causing flooding and spawning tornadoes, my nemesis when it comes to storms! 

     The night before we left I was still very anxious about leaving and that is when God stepped in with His peace that passes understanding Philippians 4:6-7 NKJ. I have to be honest and tell you that I still had a "moment" at one point on our trip back when we were driving in some rain through Mississippi...but in reality it was not a threatening storm and I had to remind myself that God had given me His peace which told me He was with us and I knew if He was with us, then He was in control.

     I should have known better...it was the Labor Day weekend marking the twenty year anniversary of when I first realized my marriage was in crisis back in 1992. A storm was on our horizon and my immediate response once again was fear. 

     To illustrate just how much the God of the universe knows His children, the Scripture He placed in my mind and heart over and over from the beginning of that trial was 1 John 4:18 NKJ which says this:  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. Be he who fears has not been made perfect in love. I interpreted that verse to mean that God was teaching me to love my husband more perfectly (Christlike) and that if that was my desire, I could not love him and allow fear to rule my behavior toward him.

     I could have very easily allowed fear to swallow me up during those months, and at times I wasn't sure if it wasn't going to. My biggest fear at that time was the fear of abandonment and God knew that. God loved me enough to allow me to face that fear so that I would know without a shadow of a doubt twenty years later and counting that I will never ever be abandoned by the One who loves me most.

     Another thing happened though, to my surprise quite honestly. The more I focused on my attempt to love my husband through that time, the less I became focused on the ultimate outcome. The fears would wax and wane, but as time went on God was finally able to bring me to the place of total release of my husband to Himself. It was hard, I won't lie. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life because when I made that decision I truly believed my husband would leave and never return.

     That morning my husband had left early to look for an apartment. As he drove off  I went to my sacred place which at the time was our bathroom (if you have kids I am sure you can relate)! After laying on that floor and crying my eyes out, I prayed and literally lifted my hands up to the sky and handed him over to God. I finally said Uncle! relinquishing any further attempts to control my husband and my circumstances.

     I would love to tell you that I stood up, opened the door of my restroom and was as strong as an oak the rest of the day. Not happenin'. I was a nervous wreck. I remember getting out and running errands with our girls that day...they were age 17, 15 and 12 at that time. The rest of it is pretty much of a blur until my husband returned that afternoon. When he did return, he had made the decision to move out. It was as if the several months of chaos prior to this day were culminating all at once. The storm cloud was getting ready to burst. 

     After the initial response of anger and pleading and then prayer, acceptance did finally come. It just so happened on that same day our youngest daughter, which was age 12 at the time had a birthday party to go to. My husband and I mutually decided it would best for her if we waited until she was picked up for the party before he left.

     In the meantime, my husband decided to go in and start packing some items. At this point I am still just a bundle of every emotion you can think of. He left the room and I started pacing and then it happened...God answered my prayer from that morning...you know, the one releasing my husband to Him? This peace washed over me that I could not explain except that it was the peace which passes understanding Philippians 4:6-7 NKJ.

     My husband got packed and we waited for our youngest daughter to leave and then it came time for my husband to go. He says I told him I would be waiting for him when he returned...I vaguely remember telling him that. I remember distinctly though, as soon as the door shut taking my two remaining daughters over to our sofa and praying with them.

     Well several hours went by. Our youngest daughter was still at her friend's birthday party. It was December and I had put the movie "White Christmas" in to watch with our two oldest girls hoping to distract us from the day. I was laying on our sofa and I heard a vehicle outside and it sounded like my husband's truck...but I was not about to go to that window! I would not allow myself to think it might actually be him returning. Well, then I heard the door knob turn. Yes it was him, he had returned. He was still filled with uncertainty about our marriage but he was certain he was to come home and that was enough for me at that point. God had brought him home, not me. Nothing I did or said, it was God in him that moved his heart back toward his family.

     The rest as they say is history. We remained in counseling for nine months ( I compare it to the gestation period)! What was birthed was a new beginning for our family. It may not be pretty, but it's real and it's ours. 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 NKJ  Inspite of ourselves, God's will prevailed in our family...He can in yours as well.

     Oh, and BTW not only did our two older daughters see their prayers answered that day when their dad came back home, but our youngest daughter did not return from her friend's party until after my husband had returned. It was as if he had never left as far as she was concerned. That's grace.

     We all have storms that seem to be Goliaths and it is in those most desperate times...when we are most afraid and most vulnerable that God reveals His truth to us if we choose to listen....the song titled Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns illustrates this beautifully and it is my song and my prayer for us all...

 

 

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NKJ 

...Until next time...

Songbird

Breath of Heaven

      I was reminded once again today when I saw the sunrise this morning, that I can rest assured that God's promises are still in place. Nothing has changed because He has not changed. This realization first came to me in 2005. I would wake up almost every morning during that time with excruciating lower back pain.
     My bedroom faces the east, so the sun rises through our bedroom windows. During that time I had made it a habit of opening my blinds and curtains really early in the morning, and then getting back in bed for a while. As I lay there in pain, it seemed to help to watch the sun come up.
     It was one of those mornings that as I saw the sun start to rise, I believe God reminded me..."See this sun? I made it rise again and since I did I am still in the process of fulfilling all of my promises...even the ones you may think I have forgotten. How could I not love a God like that?
     This experience helped me to get my perspective back and realize that what I was going through was just temporary. That God had a plan, that He was aware of my pain and not only aware of it, but willing to do something about it. 
     It was at this point that the doctor that I was seeing at the time brought up the subject of narcotic pain medication. I was adamantly opposed because my condition (arthritis) was chronic. I desperately wanted to find another solution. As we sat there in his office, butting heads, I told him I was seeking quality of life at this point and living on pain medication would not allow that. His response was that living in constant agonizing pain did not provide the best quality of life either. We were at an impasse...but as we sat there he came up with the idea that maybe a natural remedy called glucosamine chondroitin might help. I was willing to try it, especially since it was non-prescription.
     It took almost a month for it to take effect, but when it did it offered enough relief that I was able to live with the pain level once again. I was so grateful that I had a doctor that offered me an alternative because the last thing I wanted to do was live indefinitely on narcotic pain medication. But, more than that, I was grateful to a God that keeps His promises and this time he used my doctor to achieve it. My quality of life improved too.
     What I experienced is not unique. The enemy would like to make us think that it is, but God is faithful all the time and keeps His promises every time. It is part of His nature and He does not change, as we have discussed in earlier posts.
     This picture was taken by NASA's Mars rover named Curiosity. It is the sun rising over Mars horizon. God not only holds our world in His hands, He holds the whole universe in His hands. Amazing.

     There you have it! Sunrise on Mars! Psalm 33: 6 NKJ says this:  "By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, and all the host of them by the breath of His mouth." Wow. Do you know what that means? We can trust that He can handle anything we might be experiencing. He breathed the worlds into existence!
      At times like this I think it is good to look back and see what God has done in the lives of those who walked before us. Picture a teenage girl who discovers she is carrying a baby, yet is not yet married and is still a virgin. She has been told that she is carrying the Son of God by an angel no less! Wow. We can only imagine what that must have been like for her, yet she remained faithful and trusted God to fulfill His promises to her. In doing so, God fulfilled His promises to us all.

     "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38-39 NKJ. 

     This is my prayer and my song for us all today, that we realize God's love for us is His motivation for breathing His hope and promises on us and that we glorify and praise Him as He so faithfully fulfills those promises in our lives. Amen. 

Songbird

       

Web of Grace

     This past Sunday morning during worship a thought crossed my mind about God's grace. We were singing the song  From the Inside Out by Phillips, Craig and Dean . When we sang the lyrics ..."and should I stumble again, still I'm caught in Your grace" I immediately got the visual in my mind of a spider web. It got me to thinking that wow!, God's grace IS like a spider web! This picture captures what I envisioned in my mind's eye...a kind of  spider web hammock that we can fall into...

   

     I have read that spider web material is about one-tenth the diameter of a human hair, but has incredible strength. It is ten times stronger than a steel strand of the same weight. That's amazing strength! In previous posts we've talked about the strength of God and how He holds everything together. At the risk of being too redundant I still feel led to explore God's strength in regard to grace. 

     There are lyrics in a  Rich Mullins song that may help explain this better than I can. The lyrics are from the song  Hold Me Jesus  and they say, "Surrender don't come natural to me I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want Than to take what You give that I need And I've beat my head against so many walls Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees." 

      These lyrics capture the struggle we seem to find ourselves in, time and time again. We are like little flies caught in a sticky web that we cannot escape from. Yet this web is woven by a loving and gracious God and it brings grace and life instead of death and destruction.

     In my post "Hand of God" I described my experience where God reached His hand down to me when I couldn't reach mine up to Him. I was frightened, I was sure that God had turned His back on me because I felt I had sinned to the point that God surely would have nothing to do with me. But God proved me wrong!

     There is also another experience I would like to share with you in regard to grace. This time it involves my husband and one of our young grandsons. He was visiting our home when he was still in the process of being potty trained. He was in our kitchen and my husband was sitting in our family room where he could see him. My husband was well aware that our grandson had just soiled his pants and was just standing there. 

     When my husband got up to approach him though, our grandson got a very frightened look on his face. He knew what he had done and he knew that my husband knew what he had done. When my husband saw that look, God reminded him that He is well aware when we "poop" our pants too, and that He is still there for us and is willing to help us clean ourselves up with Him by our side. 

     My husband did an awesome thing in response to our little grandson. He took his hand and led him into the bathroom and told him he would help him clean himself up. Our grandson was relieved and hopefully learned a great lesson on unconditional love and grace. At the same time, my husband experienced a precious reminder that our God is gracious and loving and will always be by our side even if we "poop" our pants!

     My song and my prayer is found in Scripture; "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31 NKJ. Let us all fall freely into God's web of grace and resist the temptation to fight it...knowing that He is always by our side, just as the song by the same title by Tenth Avenue North illustrates so beautifully. BTW, look for their new album to be released August 21st! 

     Then Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also want to go away?" But Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. "Also, we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."  John 6:67-69 NKJ   Amen.

Songbird

So Much More!

     God spoke and our world came into existence. He breathed and life was created. I shared in my last post how He literally holds every fiber of our being together. His power is beyond our comprehension. Psalm 33:6 NKJ says "By the Word of the LORD the heavens were made, and all the host of them by the breath of His mouth.
     His omnipotence is one of  God's attributes, yet He is SO MUCH MORE than that! One of the most impactful Bible studies I have ever gone through was a study titled "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby http://www.blackaby.net/. One of the truths I remember learning from that study was that when we are faced with a crisis in our lives it becomes a "crisis of belief " and our response in times of crisis is a reflection of what we believe about God.
     Job is an example for us all when dealing with a crisis in our lives. In his "crisis of belief" Job declared  "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.  In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong." Job 1: 21 & 22 NKJ.
     Job was faced with a choice, just as we all are when faced with adversity. Job chose to continue to trust in the whole character of God, not just the fact that God indeed had the power to prevent the tragedies in his life from taking place.
     I believe God ALWAYS uses His power in our lives when facing adversity...it just may not materialize the way we envision it. When that happens we may tend to think that God isn't working at all in our situation.We forget that He is SO MUCH MORE and His plan for our lives is SO MUCH GREATER than His ability to get us out of the pain and suffering we may be being asked to endure. As we come to grips with these truths we have a better understanding of the fact that we were put on this planet to glorify Him and to pursue His purposes and not our own.

     Job praised God in the midst of his "storm." and I believe his love relationship with God was what allowed Job to continue to trust and follow God to the point that he declares "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Job 13:15 NKJ. Job loved God and he knew that God loved him and I believe this love relationship is what God desires most from us. The song "Praise You In The Storm" by Casting Crowns illustrates this beautifully.

     Job also revered God and His sovereignty in his life. Job got it. He saw that God, indeed is Omnipotent (all powerful) Revelation 19:6 NKJ and He is also Omnibenevolent (all good) Naham 1:7 NKJ, Omnipresent (present everywhere) Psalm 139:8-10 NKJ, Omniscient (all knowing) Romans 11:33 NKJ, Immutable (cannot change) James 1:17 NKJ ...yet He is SO MUCH MORE!
     One last thought, Moses stated when speaking with God about leading His people to the promised land; "Now therefore, I pray, If I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight. And consider that this nation is Your people." And He said, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Then he said to Him, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here." Exodus 33:13-15 NKJ. Then in verse 18 Moses states, "Please show me your glory."
     This is my song and my prayer for us today, that just like Job and Moses that we desire God's presence and His glory more than a way out of our present storm because we love Him and know that He is SO MUCH MORE!

Songbird

Held

     If you have read previous posts of mine then you are aware that I have several chronic autoimmune illnesses. The most frustrating one is Fibromyalgia. It's frustrating because it is the most debilitating one. Sunday mornings are quite a chore for me because it takes every ounce of energy I have to get myself to church and be presentable at times.
     It was one of "those" Sundays, it was all I could do to get there on time and "hold myself together." When I feel that bad, it even affects my thinking. The only way I know to describe it is like when you have been in a  deep sleep and you are jolted awake and your mind and your body haven't quite caught on to the fact that they are needed to function as if they are wide awake. That is how I felt that day.
     So, there I was and our pastor started his sermon. It was all I could do to concentrate on what he was conveying to us. Then he started sharing exactly what I believe the Lord knew I needed to hear to continue my journey. He started relaying a message by Louie Giglio and I was driven to tears during a sermon for the first time in a long time. I knew the Lord was giving me strength and comfort through our pastor at the point I needed it most.
     Only Louie Giglio could accurately relay what my pastor and he shared, so I will defer to Louie's video:

 

     In the words of Louie Giglio...wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! It hit me, I wasn't "holding myself together," God was. The God of the universe was. I think my tears were as much for relief as it was for the comfort and assurance that it brought. I realized I had once again taken my eyes off of the One who made me, the One who formed me in my mother's womb and not only that the One who literally "holds me together." What an awesome God we serve. I was carrying a burden He did not intend for me to carry. In essence, in my pastor's words, "He's got this." God has my body under control even though it seems out of control.

     You may be thinking wow! for you, but what about me? I believe there is no difference between us, because I believe God sees no difference between us. God's word says in Colossians 1:15-20 NIV;  He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created:  things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things in heaven, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross. 

     What a promise and what a great God. My prayer and my song for us today is found in Ephesians 3:20 NIV;  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.   

And again I say Wow! and AMEN.

Songbird

His Presence in Our Present Hell

     One of my favorite books EVER (besides the Bible) is a small book titled "A Tale of Three Kings" by Gene Edwards. I don't think it was on the top best seller's list anywhere, but in my opinion every Christian would benefit from reading it. It is a study in brokenness illustrating King David and the theme is submission.
     Gene Edwards also wrote my second favorite book EVER which is titled "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" and this book illustrates John the Baptist and the recurring theme is this verse "And blessed is he who is not offended because of me." Matthew 6:11 NKJ
      Brokenness, submission and sacrifice. Not very popular topics for obvious reasons. Each one of them requires pain and selflessness. I don't know about you, but my human nature tries to avoid both at all cost most of the time. Actually brokenness, submission and sacrifice are interdependent. We really can't do any of them without doing them all.
     How do we get ourselves in a position to be broken, submitted and willing to sacrifice? Why would we want to? What is the point? If we really are serious about having an intimate relationship with the Living God,  it is unavoidable.
     One of my favorite quotes from "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" is this, "He who takes up the sword perishes by the sword. He who refuses to take up the sword perishes on the cross." Ouch!
     There is a similar quote in "A Tale of Three Kings" in which it states this; "I'm in David's situation, and I am in agony. What do I do when the kingdom I'm in is ruled by a spear wielding king? Should I leave? If so, how? Just what does a man do in the middle of a knife-throwing contest?" The answer is, "You get stabbed to death."..."What is the necessity of that? Or the good of it?"...You have your eyes on the wrong King Saul. As long as you look at your king, you will blame him, and him alone, for your present hell. Be careful, for God has His eyes fastened sharply on another King Saul. Not the visible one standing up there throwing spears at you. No, God is looking at another King Saul. One just as bad-or worse. God is looking at the King Saul in you. End quote.
     You may not have an actual King Saul in your life, by that I mean someone in authority over you that may be causing your "present hell." It could be any number of sources in your life yet be just as applicable. If you are struggling right now, the source of that struggle may be an outer King Saul that is at war with your inner King Saul.
     I believe the quote from "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" is saying this, we have a choice. We can choose to live like the world and become angry, prideful and selfish which leads to blaming others for our "present hell." Therefore, not dealing with our inner King Saul. Or we can choose to accept the new identity we have been given in Christ and follow His example and allow brokenness, submission and selflessness, therefore dealing with our inner King Saul and becoming more like our True King, Jesus. It is a painful process trying to slay our inner King Saul.
     If you were able to ask John the Baptist if it was worth it to him to have his head served on a silver platter for sinful purposes, what do you think he would say? John asked a question of Jesus from his jail cell, "Are You the coming One, or do we look for another?" Matthew 11: 3 NKJ. In other words, are You are THE CHRIST? If You are then, YES "I'm all in," it is worth it. Why? Because CHRIST is worth it. I believe John wanted to make sure that what or better stated who he was "putting in all of his chips" for was worth the cost.
     Jesus' answer for John was this "Go and tell John the things which you hear and see: The blind see and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them. "And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me." Matthew 11:4-6 NKJ
     Jesus' answer to John is His answer to all of us. He indeed is worth it. That's GOOD news! Do we believe that Christ is worth our "present hell?" King David's life is full of examples of times when he did not choose God's way over his own and he and everyone around him paid the consequences. The same could be said of all of us and I would be at the head of that line. Yet time after time God has shown Himself faithful even when we have not been faithful to Him. That is His nature "If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself." II Timothy 2:13 NKJ. This is my song and my prayer for us all that we deem Him worthy and faithful even in our "present hell" of slaying our inner King Saul because we realize our King Jesus is worth it.

Songbird
    

Living Proof

     Well, Songbirds I hope you can bear with me as I have had such a heavy heart and been so conflicted while preparing for this post. I cannot tell you how many times I have started a sentence, even finished a few only to delete them afterwards.I have struggled with what to share with you and the following is what I have come up with.
      In my first post "The Hand of God" I touched on my experience in counseling when I was being treated for clinical depression. What I left out was my experience in those months and weeks prior to counseling. The year was 1994 and my husband and I had begun our reconciliation process in our marriage. It had been two years since our initial crisis. We had attended counseling together for nine months and we both thought we were well on our way to healing.
     But, there was a problem. During our crisis and even the time subsequent to it I had focused so hard on acting and being all that I thought God would have me be and all that I thought my husband would have me be and all that I thought would be the best example for our girls to be that I neglected to deal with the pain I had experienced.
      I cannot blame anyone for my response to my pain. I would not put that burden on anyone. If it had not been my marriage I fully believe it would have been any number of other events that would inevitably have taken place in my life and I would have responded the same way. It just happened that my marriage was the catalyst God chose to use to finally deal with this Goliath in my life.
      Depression has a kind of snowball effect if not intervened upon. Just like a snowball that is barreling down a mountainside, until it is dealt with it continues to grow until such time it gets so big that it will consume and destroy anyone in it's path.That last week before I re-entered counseling I started getting thoughts of  being with Jesus. I was thinking if I could just be with Jesus I would be alright. In reality I was candy coating the thought of ending my life. I can honestly say up until that point in my life I had never had such a thought yet I had never been in so much emotional pain. I can't tell you if it was just the pain of our marriage experience or the accumulated pain from my life up until then. It felt like the latter.
      I literally felt as if a heavy weight was on my chest, I physically felt it. And when describing my pain I felt I could only adequately describe it by literally lifting my bent arms and motioning away as if I was attempting to push that wall of pain off of me because I was feeling smothered by it. My voice even changed, the pain was evident in my tone. I felt consumed and was drowning (not unlike Peter) when he focused on his circumstance and not on Jesus and by that point I did not even have the capacity to consider how to escape it so I was succumbing to it. My snowball was barreling down quickly.
      This would be a tragic story had it not been for two Knights that came to my rescue. First of all God is and will always be my first Knight in shining armor. He has rescued me time and time again (usually from myself) and is the only One who gets the ultimate glory. He will come and rescue me and all His saints again one day on His white horse once and for all. Revelation 19:11-16.  Until that time, I believe my husband is my second Knight, the one here on earth, provided to me by God Himself.
      I am one who can say that their spouse literally played a role in saving their life.You see toward the end of that last week my husband led me into our kitchen and picked up the phone and called our counselor. He intervened on my behalf which was the first step in destroying the snowball. God used him and our godly counselor to lead me back on the road to healing and I was subsequently brought back from the brink of self-destruction.
      One thing I learned about my thought process during that time was that I was in so much pain that I was fast approaching the point that I would do anything to stop that pain. I did NOT want to die. I just wanted my pain to STOP and I was not able to see any other way out at that time. I believe that this thought process is what anyone considering suicide genuinely wants but may not be able to adequately convey.
      Through my counseling I learned that I had been deceived into believing that I could not go to God because I was carrying guilt and shame for what went on in our marriage. I was blaming myself, punishing myself. I was convinced that my sin hindered me to the point that I could not go to God. Not rational at all, but I was not thinking rationally. That thinking was full of lies and deceit but that was the position I found myself in.
      I had taken my focus off of the Lord and His truth and was experiencing another "Peter" moment. If you remember what a "Peter" moment is, it was when Peter took His eyes off of Christ as found in Matthew 14:22-33  and looked at his circumstances that he started to drown in the sea. BUT, Jesus held out His hand as Peter cried out for His help and Jesus saved him. Matthew 14:28-32.  This time I felt I was drowning and my "Peter" moment had turned into months and I felt I had begun to drown in a sea of  hopelessness.
      When a Christian loses hope, where does he turn? There is nowhere but a black abyss and that is exactly where the enemy of my soul wanted me. It was in that state of mind that I entered that counseling room and experienced the hand of God firsthand that broke through my darkness. Like I said in my testimony of that experience I could not reach up to God, so He reached down to me.
     I had to make the choice that day to call out to God for help. His hand was the first one reaching just as in Peter's case. I can't explain why the God of the universe would even offer to do that unless it is His unfathomable love for us. I do know He loves us so much that He would rather die than live without us. He proved that on the cross. He conquered death He is also able to conquer our Goliath. We can live because we serve a living God Luke 24:5-7 NKJ and Matthew 22:32 NKJ.

       "Come to Jesus" by Chris Tomlin is a beautiful illustration that our Knight in shining armor truly does exist and He is but a cry away to all who believe in Him. I am living (living) proof of that! All who believe on Him are living proof of that and that is our song!

Songbird

"You'll never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have."  Max Lucado from his book titled Facing Your Giants.

Backseat Decisions

I would like to talking about a song titled "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser. It is not a new song, yet the truth in it's message never grows old.

The lyrics start out saying "walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet toward home, a land that I've never seen." ...When we are in the midst of a trial, the goal is not perfection it is obedience. I am learning this the hard way. God's Word promises that in I Corinthians 10:13 NIV that ...when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Here's the catch...it's HIS way. I don't know about you, but my ways are not His ways, especially when it may involve pain or suffering. Imagine a war where the rank and file decide not to listen or even seek the commands and leadership of their superior officers. Do you see the chaos and defeat that would take place if that happened? It sounds ridiculous to even consider, especially since a soldier in that position would be fully aware that their life and very likely the lives of their comrades would be in jeopardy.


That same chaos can happen in our own lives if we do not consult our Chief Shepherd as described in I Peter 5:4 NIV when facing battles of our own.  Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105 NIV  On our "shadowfeet"  He will help us navigate through the minefield we may find ourselves in.

My husband and I used to work with the youth and I remember us telling them not to wait until they were in the backseat of a car to decide whether or not they would stay pure until marriage. Emotions (and hormones) run high when in the backseat and that is not the time to be making life altering decisions. Hopefully, if they made the decision for purity beforehand they would not even place themselves in that position, thus avoiding the temptation altogether.

Our advice to the youth were words from personal experience. I met my husband when I was 14 years old and he was 15. We ended up getting married when I was 16 and he was 17 and we were expecting our first daughter. We've not for one minute regretted the birth of all three of our beautiful daughters. We do, however regret the way in which we brought about our first pregnancy. We know firsthand what "backseat" decisions lead to.

I Peter 5:8 NIV says this:  Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  It goes on to say in verse 9:  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.


Problem is, in reality we all find ourselves in the "backseat" at times. How does that happen? Remember our "Peter" moments? When we take our focus off of Christ and onto our circumstance, we end up in the "backseat."  When that happens, it's not too late. We still have a choice we can make. The decisions are much harder to make from the "backseat" but it is possible nonetheless. Backseat decisions are not won and lost by emotions or circumstance. They are won or lost based on what we believe and more importantly on Whom we believe. Therein lies the difficulty, if we have been in the "backseat" chances are we have not focused on God and His Word.

The lyrics in the song also stated that "When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You, still standing." I've got a feeling this girl knows what it's like to have her "world fall out from under her." Yet, she has made the decision to resist the temptation to give up until she discovers His way out  and stand firm in the faith despite her circumstance.



How do we accomplish this? Ideally, it starts with a decision before you even face a trial. An example in my own life was when my marriage was in jeopardy in 1992. In January of that year I attended a Kay Arthur study on Covenant, quite frankly I wasn't sure how all that Old Testament stuff was going to relate to my life in present day, but I attended nonetheless. Immediately following that study I went through  the study "Marriage Without Regrets" by Kay Arthur. Of course my thinking at the time was that my marriage was fine. That study ended in May of 1992. My husband approached me on the first weekend of September (Labor Day weekend) that he wanted out of our marriage.

The bible studies I had just gone through played a vital role in the restoration of our marriage. My husband and I both come from broken homes. His dad has been married three times and his mother twice. My mother was married three times and my father twice.We had been handed a legacy of divorce and the enemy was intent on keeping it that way.

But God, had other plans. It is my belief that starting in January of 1992 God was preparing me for the attack that would soon take place on our family. Those two studies allowed me to figure out ahead of time what I truly believed about marriage, or better stated what God believed about marriage, regardless of what I witnessed growing up and absent of all the emotion and chaos that would follow.  His Word that was planted in my heart during those months of preparation flooded into my memory during that time, which was vital in my decision making process.

Toward the end of the song "Shadowfeet" the lyrics say "He makes all things new." I am here to testify that this is truth. In I Corinthians 5:11-21 NIV God's Word speaks to the fact that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! Through God's reconciling Himself to us, He has given all believers the ministry of reconciliation. What these verses meant to me was that my past, my childhood was no excuse for behavior that did not line up with the Word of God. I learned that I have no control over anyone else's behavior including my husband. I did not know if my marriage would be reconciled or not, but that did not relieve me from being obedient to what I believed God's Word was telling me.

I also learned that obedience to our God has it's own reward. In the beginning of my marriage crisis, all I wanted was my marriage to be restored. In the end, all I wanted was a more intimate relationship with God. If that meant my marriage would be reconciled great, if not I was fine with that too. Relinquishing my husband over to God was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was made harder because he had become an idol in my life.  It's funny how we think we own anything, even people we love...when all along it's His to begin with. God was gracious in returning my husband to me, but only after I placed the Lord on the throne where He belonged. God is good all the time and even if we have been in the "backseat" for a time, He can make all things new and we can stand firm in Him.

I'll conclude with this "song" written by Paul to the Ephesians as a prayer of gratitude for us all:  For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.  Ephesians 3:14-21  NKJ   When time and space are through, we'll be found in You. Amen.


Songbird

Reasons for Joy

Yea! It's official! It's the first day of summer! Like I need an "official" day to start the summer season. As soon as the temp goes above 60 degrees (oh, to be warm again)!, I am on fast forward to all things summer. Ahhh, the memories...spending Fourth of July at the "Seaside Inn" in Rockport, TX is one of my happiest from childhood, and Sprite floats filled to the rim with rainbow sherbet (food always sneaks in there somewhere), the beach has got to be a piece of heaven on earth, and as a child NO SCHOOL was synonymous with FREEDOM! Flip flops, sundresses, the smell of coconut sunscreen and fun in the sun...oh, yeah!

As wonderful as summer is though, it seems that God chose each season for just the right length of time here in Texas. To me, there is so much to look forward to for each one, but close to the end of it, I'm ready for the next! In Fall, one of the best things about it is the weather turning cooler. Huh? Didn't I just rave about summer and how nice it is to feel WARM again? I start out that way, but by the end of August, all I can think about is if I have enough socks (my feet don't see the light of day for months come fall), or which 'lil jacket I might wear with what when it finally gets cooler! Not to mention the shoes...oh, my do you really want me to go there?! BOOTS...that's all I'll say about that!

Next comes the Thanksgiving holiday! Giving thanks to God for all that He has given us and feasting with family and friends (food again)! Then, as soon as Thanksgiving is over, everything becomes a blur because the end of fall and the beginning of winter means Christmas is on the way, and we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior...plus feast with family and friends, AGAIN! Then comes the colder weather and the longing for our "normal" schedule that went out the window during the holidays (and maybe focus on losing a few of the pounds we may have acquired while feasting). That's when the fall and winter seasons seem to wane for me.

The end of winter in Texas is when we get our coldest weather...usually. Our weather here can be unpredictable at times, and no one weather pattern seems to stay put for very long (except maybe HOT in the Summertime). That used to bother me more...until we visited Poland in December of 2008. Their cold stays cold for days on end, without much variation in temperature until spring...which comes later than our spring. Since we returned home in January of 2008 I have not complained as much about our cold weather, all I have to do is think of Krakow in winter and in comparison it doesn't seem so bad. Like they say, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes (and it will change)."  True dat, here in Texas!

Then comes spring as a metaphor for the resurrection of our Lord as we witness all of creation coming back to life. "Spring showers bring May flowers" as they say, because water brings forth life. John 4:1-42  is the story of the Samaritan woman's encounter with Jesus at Jacob's well. In verses 7-10, God's Word says this;  A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, Give Me a drink." For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, "How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?" For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans. Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift from God, and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink,' you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."  John 4:7-10 NKJ 

Jesus goes on to describe Himself in this way to her;  Jesus answered and said to her, "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life."  John 4:13 NKJ  He still offers living water and everlasting life to those who are willing to accept that gift. It's not too late.

If you read the whole encounter of Jesus and the Samaritan woman in John 4:1-42, you will find that she might seem an unlikely prospect for a holy God. Gives me hope! Maybe I'm not so bad after all. Maybe He can take somebody who has turned their back on Him time and time again and gone their own way and actually make them whole in Him. We are all just one choice away from never thirsting again and spending eternity with the One who made it possible. He makes it possible for all of us through His living water to become in Him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life. Now that is something to "sing" about!


Summer warmth, fall festivities, winter celebrations and new life in springtime brought forth by a living, loving God. Each season gives us reasons to rejoice. No matter our circumstance, if we look to creation and more importantly to our Creator, we will be able to glorify Him through it all. We can choose to return to the source of our joy and that is my prayer and my "song" for us all!

Songbird

"Seeking Normal"

I've been pondering the meaning of "normal" the past couple of days. My interest was peaked while watching Good Morning America on Monday morning. Robin Roberts made the announcement that she is battling a rare blood disease caused by the cancer treatment she received five years ago.

During Robin's conversation with her co-anchors, Lara Spencer asked what could they do for her, what did she need? Robin started by saying the reason she hesitated telling everyone about her illness was that you crave normalcy, so much in your life is not normal anymore so you don't want to tell anybody because you don't want to be treated any differently. She said, "...I need you to be who you are and what you are."

Her answer sank into my soul. I think it hit home for me so much because I have been asked that same question by some very caring and loving people regarding my health. Truth is, I crave "normalcy".


Once I realized that, I immediately started feeling guilty and even questioned if striving to feel "normal" is a good thing or a bad thing. Thus, my pondering. Normal seems to be so subjective. What is normal for one person, or even one culture may seem totally "abnormal" to someone else. Why do we seem to seek it so fervently then?


Normalcy by definition means:  conforming with or constituting an accepted standard, model, or pattern;  esp., corresponding to the median or average of a large group in type, appearance, achievement, function, development, etc.; natural; usual; standard; regular.

After reading the definition of normal, I'm not sure why I crave it! It sounds compromising, dull, boring, unoriginal, common, predictable, average etc., etc.. Who wants that?!? Average? Boo!... I do! Thing is, I've always seen myself as striving for something beyond that though. Normal just always seemed in my mind to be "settling" for less.Yet deep down inside, I apparently crave it nonetheless. WHY?


Maybe God placed that need inside of each of us. If He did, why did He? Maybe it has to do with acceptance. Maybe it has to do with the feeling of belonging. Maybe it has to do with recognizing that we really do need Him and each other. And maybe we are "settling" for less if we don't explore the possibility that God is speaking to us through our need to feel this way. Maybe it is so that we learn to seek fervently after Him and His normal because He knows better than we do what we truly need.

As a child of God, He may well ask us to do something that seems abnormal even to us, let alone those around us. I don't think God's normal is my normal and it may never be. It's not necessarily normal to quit working when it cuts your income almost in half so that you can be a stay at home mom, or to love a spouse through an adulterous relationship or to feel honored and humbled to be allowed to be living with chronic health issues and all that that entails (btw all of the above seem almost too trivial to mention in comparison to Christ and His example)...yet they are my experiences and for His glory I feel compelled to share them. They have become "my" normal. Regrets? Not one, only "songs" of praise!


We can spend a lifetime trying to fit in and be normal as defined by those around us or we can choose to spend our lives seeking God and His normal instead. God's normal has given me quite an adventurous life. The only times I have"settled" is when I have chosen "my" normal over His. My prayer for you and for me is that we seek fervently God's normal and then hold on tight to Him when He answers us, "singing" His praises all the while!


Songbird

The "S" Word

Ever been afraid? Me too! In fact, fear used to consume my life. But God (I gotta say it)!...Love that phrase! But God, in His infinite wisdom sometimes allows us to be put in positions of having to face our biggest fears. Why would He do that? I'm glad you asked!

One of the truths revealed to me during the time of my marriage crisis was that I had a deep fear of abandonment. This fear was deeply rooted from childhood. Experts can say what they want about what the greatest need is for men and women in a marriage. I personally believe what God says as he addresses this subject in Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. NIV 

It's a funny thing though, our husbands can't and sometimes even won't attempt to love us wives in this manner. What then? Not only that, but as wives, do we really respect our husbands? If our husbands are not loving us the way we think he should, are we still to respect him? I'm glad you asked! 

It was not until God placed me in a situation where I had to choose what I believed over what my circumstances were that He revealed to me that it was possible to respect a husband that was not displaying his love for me. God is so wise, and I am so "not"!

God reminded me during those days (and still does at times) of David in regard to respect for my husband. David was anointed by God to become the King of Israel. In the years leading up to David becoming king, the current king was becoming more and more jealous of him. King Saul's jealousy grew toward David as time went on to the extent that King Saul set out to have David killed.

During those days, David had opportunity to kill King Saul, not once, but twice and he refrained from doing so. These accounts are found in I Samuel 24 & 26. I Samuel 24:6 NIV says..."He said to his men, "The LORD forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the LORD'S anointed, or lift my hand against him; for he is the anointed of the LORD." NIV  A similar account can be found in I Samuel 26:9-11.

It was the position in which God placed King Saul in David's life that required respect. It is the position in which God places our husbands that requires us to respect them. Ouch! God's truth can indeed be sharper than a "two-edged sword" (Hebrews 4:12). It is not always a pain free path we lead when choosing to obey God.

When my marriage was in crisis it was painful. Any choice I seemed to have available would be painful. As I searched God's word during those first dark days, I came across I Peter 4:15-19 NIV "If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us; what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner? So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

God was in the process of cleaning house, our house. I could either join Him or hinder Him. I had that choice. I chose to join Him, even though I hindered Him many times in the process! To say it was easy would be a lie. It was one of the hardest choices I've ever made. I set out to seek His way of escape as He has promised us (I Corinthians 10:13). I loved my husband and my girls very deeply, lack of love was not the issue. In fact, my love for my family is what kept me going many times. But, that love was flawed.

It was me dying to self, that made it so difficult.We think we don't place much value on ourselves until we are put into a position of placing another person's interests ahead of our own. God has commanded us to do so nonetheless (Philippians 2:3 &4). BTW, that is pretty much the definition of submission.

In order for God to clean our house, He needed me to get off His throne and He also needed me to take my husband off His throne. Idol worship plain and simple.When I submitted to God's will and stopped trying to control my situation is when the miracles started to take place. I released my husband into God's hands and fell into them myself.

During one of my darkest hours I was just about ready to give up, but God (gotta' love it)! Sorry, I'll continue...He led me to Isaiah 54. He got my attention starting in verse 5 -7 "For your Maker is your husband-the LORD Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit-a wife who married young, only to be rejected." says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. NIV The rest of the chapter leads to promise after promise and it was based on God's promises that enabled me to continue on.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knows me better than I know myself. He had just described me in His Word written thousands of years ago. He knew that from the time I had memory that I had a deep fear inside of me. He loved me too much to leave me in that condition. He used my love for my husband and for my girls to coax me out of that bondage and release it to Him.Wow. I did not ever have to be afraid of being abandoned again. God is my husband. He will never leave me, nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

God kept reminding me of 1 John 4:18 when my marriage crisis initially started, which says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." NIV  I believe He was not only telling me what He was doing, but encouraging me to carry through with what He was wanting to do in my life during that time.

There is freedom in God's truth. Like they say though, freedom is not free. Sometimes, we have to fight for it. We have to be willing to sacrifice and submit to God's will in order for that freedom to come to fruition. When it does we realize it was worth it. Worth it all because it comes from a loving God who "...has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7  NKJV 

The power that fear held in my life ironically was broken when I myself became broken and submitted to God and His will over mine. I stand in awe of how our God operates. We tend to look at submission as a dirty word ( the "s" word), why is that?  My family was being torn apart, the stakes were made pretty high. They evidently had to be in order for God to get my attention. I had to face the fear I dreaded most as a possible reality. I have since come to realize that having my way just doesn't seem as important as it used to, not when I have seen firsthand the repercussions it would have left in it's wake.

But, God (yeah God)! But, God had other plans. I have learned that submission is not necessarily giving up that thing, or person, etc. that you want to hold on to. It is sometimes just the act of  being willing to release it to Him if He requires it of you. This is my prayer for us and this is my "song":  “Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

Songbird

To Live Is Christ

     This post is the most difficult one to compose thus far.. I am not even sure what direction it may lead. I have a desire to "sing" God's praises for what I termed a "mysterious illness" that began in 2001 in my last post. My struggle is how to convey to you my experiences without it being interpreted as being about me instead of God, yet I am going to try.
     By 2001 my husband and I had raised three awesome daughters. Our two oldest daughters had married. Our youngest was still living with us and going to college. She subsequently married in 2003. Several months prior to my illness we decided to sell our house that we had lived in for seventeen years and move into a two bedroom apt. My husband was attending Southwestern Seminary at the time and we wanted to focus on his education. He had felt led to go back to school and become a marriage counselor.
     Life was good. We got that apt. in October of 2000. He was going to school and flourishing. I had started working full time at our church as our Associate Pastor's Assistant and it was very rewarding.We were in the midst of our Marriage Reconciliation Ministry that we had begun August 1, 1999. That, too, was very rewarding. As for me, for the first time in a long time I felt that we were truly in the center of God's will...and it felt good.
     Then came January 2001. It seemed to be immediate. I could hardly get out of bed. My body felt as if I had been run over by a Mack truck. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was lay down. I struggled to function. I was due at work at 8:00am and they started allowing me to come in at 9:00am. I could not get my body out of bed any earlier than 7:00am. It took me two hours just to eat and get myself presentable enough to go out in public. The apts. we had moved to were literally a field away from our church where I worked. You could see it from our apt., yet all but the few minutes it took to make the drive were just struggling to function to get there.
     I started going to my family doctor first. The first thing he offered me were anti-depressants. I don't know if it was because he knew my family history, (my father had schizophrenia) plus the fact that I did indeed face depression in 1994, but that was his first form of treatment. I wasn't sure myself if that, indeed was what was going on with me. When I was being treated for depression, all I wanted to do was to sleep and that was happening again. The anti-depressants only gave me a bad headache and did not relieve any other symptoms.
     In the meantime, I started seeing a godly counselor that was on staff at our church. She was so very helpful to me during that critical time. She did not see in me the emotional symptoms of depression and furthermore, having been depressed in the past, I knew what that felt like. I was not sad, I did not have a sense of hopelessness, I was looking forward to the new chapters God had opened up to us and I was indeed excited about our future. I was engaged in life and in lives around me. Yet, all I wanted to do was lay down. My counselor encouraged me to continue to go to doctors, which I did.
     My family doctor sent me to a  Rheumatologist April of 2001 and she is the one that gave me my first set of diagnoses. I had an autoimmune illness called Fibromyalgia. I had never heard of it. I found out pretty quickly that it is chronic and it is treatable, but not curable. The Rheumatologist also diagnosed me with Raynaud's Phenomenon and disc disease in my neck area. That was the beginning of our journey. I say "our" because when a person has a chronic illness, it not only effects them, but everyone around them. My immediate family, especially my husband, has been affected by it the most.
     So here we were...blind sided. Our options seemed pretty limited. Days, if not weeks would go by and to tell you the truth I seemed to be in a constant fog, yet I was continuing to try and work. It had taken four months for the doctors to reach a diagnosis. Once I had the diagnosis, it seemed evident that this was  probably not a temporary thing and decisions were needing to be made.
     Being that I worked at the church we had attended for twenty years and knew and loved everyone there, including the staff, made it very difficult. They had been more flexible with me than your ordinary employer would probably have been. There were days I would get to work late during those four months and they would send me directly home because they saw what I was going through. I will always be grateful to them for the loving way they treated me, especially since this was something none of us could fully grasp, let alone understand.
     Understand, I did not. I was so intent on fighting this thing at first and had looked on it as an attack of the enemy. I felt to give up on fighting it would be giving up on my faith in God and His power to heal me. This was a major clash I was facing. The fact of what this illness meant and the fact that God was, indeed bigger than this illness. I felt I had to choose one way or another and I was torn. I could not reconcile in my mind at that time that I could be going through this and accept it without the feeling that I let God down somehow.
     I have a little black Bible. By little, I mean one of those "baby sized" ones. It was given to me by my father when I was a teenager. While reading it one night during that time I came across John 9:1-3 which states; "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but that the work of God might be displayed in his life." NIV
     It hit me. I was being so legalistic. Without realizing it, what was going through my mind during those four months was that we were in the center of God's will, we were being obedient as far as we knew to be, therefore, this should not be happening to me, therefore it was from the enemy. I was deceived. God was teaching me a lesson that I am still learning. I have a tendency to blame myself when things go wrong in my life, if I'm not careful. Our relationship with God is not based on our performance though, but on God and His gift to us.I didn't have to be a "good little girl" for God in order for Him to love me and accept me. Wow.
     These verses revealed to me that God was the one that allowed what was happening to me. It also revealed His purpose in allowing it. "that the work of God might be displayed in him." After reading these verses, I had a whole new perspective. God was the source and He had a purpose for it. I had not done anything wrong. In other words I was not being punished. That knowledge suddenly made it o.k. with me. It allowed me to reconcile my beliefs with my circumstances. Instead of asking God what I had done wrong, or blaming the enemy, I started asking how I could give Him glory through this experience.
     I resigned from work May 1, 2001 and started focusing on treatment. I attempted to work part time at the church after a few months, but was forced to resign again. That was in 2002. I have not attempted to work since that time. My new goals then became focusing on quality of life all the while giving glory to God.
     Through this experience I have met people I would never have met, had I not become ill. I have been put in circumstances I would have never thought of for myself, had this not occurred. In the years since 2001 I have been subsequently diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, Addison's Disease, Interstitial Cystitis, Osteoarthritis and slight Scoliosis in my lower back. I have had  Asthma since childhood. My immune system has apparently "left the building" as the saying goes! But, God (love that phrase). But, God has not "left the building." Nor will He ever leave it on me or on anyone else that truly seeks Him, and that is my "song" to Him.
     My husband stopped going to Seminary in 2001. I became his ministry. He sacrifices on a daily basis to make sure I am taken care of. His first thoughts are of God and then me and our family. We no longer have an ongoing marriage ministry. We do still have a passion for individuals facing a marriage crisis and we make time for anyone who seeks us out who is struggling.
     Chronic illness has affected us. As my husband says, Fibromyalgia is not life threatening, but it is life altering. That is true for any chronic illness. My husband left Seminary, we left our full-time ministry, I stopped working. Our life is not how we scripted it to be by this time in our lives. We temporarily forgot prior to 2001 who the author of our lives was and it isn't us.
     God is still writing new chapters for us, but this time He is the one doing the writing. God's grace is quite a concept. One I may never completely grasp. To think that the God of the universe loves us to the extent that He does is hard to comprehend. I don't know much, but I do know this; our life is much richer, much more fulfilling, much more rewarding than it was prior to 2001, thanks be to God.
     I am reminded of an evangelist that often came through and spoke at the church we attended during those years. His name was  Dave Busby  and he fought an ongoing battle with Cystic Fibrosis. He shared that from a hospital bed he once begged God to heal him and Dave said God's response was, "I can heal you but you give me more glory this way." Dave chose not to be healed and subsequently died in his forties. Why would Dave make that choice? I believe Dave wanted God more than He wanted his own life.
     Dave Busby lived out what Jesus Himself termed the greatest commandment in the law which was to "...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind..." Matthew 22:37  NIV  Dave Busby  left an example for those who were blessed enough to know him to follow.
     I want to be like Dave Busby. He understood that love requires sacrifice and he made the decision to make the sacrifice required to love God in a deeper way. I believe Dave Busby's "song" to God was "For me to live is Christ, to die is gain." Philippians 1:21  NIV.  I pray we make it our "song" to God as well.


Songbird

Blind Sided? He Knew, He Knows

It's good to be back! I've been on Grandma duty this past week and loved every minute of it! But, now I'm back! I've had the movie "Blind Side" on my mind the last several days for this post. I guess we all may receive different messages from the movie, depending on our life experiences, etc. For me, there were two moments in the movie I would like to share with you because they impacted me and hopefully will help me sing my "song" for your edification.

I looked up the definition of "blind side" in the dictionary, and I quote; "The side of a person opposite to the direction in which he is looking." New World Dictionary. Wow, the definition alone speaks volumes to me. Anybody else ever been "blind sided" in life? I think we all have. The side of a person opposite to the direction in which he was looking, man! The implications are numerous. The emotional, spiritual and even physical consequences can be life changing.

Here are my thoughts; First, I would like to share a moment in the movie in which Michael Oher is practicing on the football field. His mom, Leigh Anne Touhy, is watching on the sidelines and sees he's not doing well. She goes and  pulls him off the field and has a short talk with him in which she reminds him of  incidents in which he chose to try and protect his family. She told him to view his teammates as his family and that it was his job to protect them. BTW, Michael starts playing much more effectively after that. Afterward she goes up to his coach and tells him that he should really get to know his players and informed the coach that Michael scored in the 98th percentile in protective instincts.

When I hit that moment in the movie, my mind goes back to me as a young child. I am sitting in a car late at night with an older sister and younger brother in the parking lot of a restaurant. Seated in the next car over are my mother and her boyfriend and they are arguing. He grabs her head with both his hands and starts banging her head against the dashboard of the car. I remember yelling for him to stop, and he does, yet I am scolded for yelling out. That is the extent of my memory of the incident. EVERY time I see this point in the movie I flash back to that moment in my life.

You might ask, what would go through a small child's mind that would prompt them to do that. I'm not sure I can answer that. I just remember that something welled up inside of me and I had to do something. All I guess I knew to do was to yell at him to stop. It didn't seem to matter that I was a child and they were adults. I was not thinking of what the consequences would be for my actions...all I was thinking was my mother was being hurt and I had to do something about it.

I believe if I took the test that Michael Oher took, that I, too, would score very high in that category as well. I share this experience because I realized that the incident in the car that night, as traumatizing as it might seem for a child to watch, was an example of how God wired me and used all the experiences in my life to be used for my good and for His glory.

I have been "blind sided" more than once in my life, as I am sure you have been. The decisions we make during those times help define who we are and what we believe. It may seem to take more courage than we ever dreamed possible. This leads me to the second moment in the movie in which Michael is assigned a paper at school. In it he writes on the subject of courage, and I quote; "Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or mistake, but you're not suppose to question adults, or your coach or your teacher, because they make the rules. Maybe they know best, but maybe they don't. It all depends on who you are, where you come from. Didn't at least one of the six hundred guys think about giving up, and joining with the other side? I mean, valley of death that's pretty salty stuff. That's why courage it's tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either to do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good. I think that's what the writer was saying, that you should hope for courage and try for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too."

It's hard, life is hard and that's a fact. So, where does that leave us?  Leigh Anne Touhy knew her son...she knew him so well that she knew what motivated him to be the best that he could be. If a mother knows this, I believe our Heavenly Father, who formed us in our mother's womb, does too. He created us!

He knew that by allowing me as a child to be put into positions of choosing whether to try to protect those I love or not would help develop that desire that He Himself place inside of me when He created me. He knew that it would be a necessary trait for me to have when fighting for my family in 1992. He knew too, that in 2001, when being faced with a mysterious illness that, again, I would need to choose to fight not only for myself, but more times than not, more importantly to me, my family's well being. He was and is my Leigh Anne Touhy, reminding me of times past when I chose to try to protect my family and stand up for what I believe.

He knows what we need before we do. He knows what it's going to take to be victorious. He knows that the pain is there and He doesn't like it or enjoy it any more than we do, but He allows it. He allows it because He loves us. He loves us so much He allowed His only Son to die for us.

Michael Oher spoke of praying that the people telling us what to do have some courage and honor themselves. This is a good thing. A better thing is to then take it to God and allow Him to direct us and tell us what He wants us to do. In the process we will obtain honor and courage because we will be making decisions based on what we believe and in Whom we believe. The outcome will become irrelevant because if we base our decisions on Him and His Word, it be the best for us and for everyone we love.

I hope my last thought is a comfort to all of us. God is NEVER "blind sided". He is omniscient (all knowing), He is Omnipotent (all powerful) and He is Omnipresent (present in all places at the same time). He loves us.  He is glorified through us when we choose to follow His guidance. "Blind side" is not in His vocabulary. Amen. Now, that's something to "sing" about!


Songbird